I'm kind of a bitch. I mean, I already knew this. But recently I learned that this is a very important part of who I am. I can't help it. I'm not a warm, fuzzy, and sweet person. I never have been and never will be. I know this, because I've tried. I feel like this past year I tried to change myself in ways I thought would be more positive.
Southern Californians (at least the ones I've encountered) tend to be a little more passive-aggressive than anyone else I've met. I wasn't used to this. I'm used to being a blunt person, surrounded by blunt friends, who are probably more inappropriate than they should be ... but it was always fine by me. Anyway, I think I was trying to fit in ... or at least, not stand out. I just didn't want to be THAT person, you know. That one bitchy person who said things that no one else was saying.
So rather than flat out disagreeing with people about certain things, I would try to do it nicely and over-explain why I "saw their point" but that "there was another way of thinking about things." Or I just agreed. I started being really careful about what I said and how I said it ... to the point where I almost felt it was easier to not speak to certain people at all. But this didn't really work because it just wasn't genuine. Plus, it was so exhausting to constantly be worrying about how other people would react.
But then this weekend, I went to hang out with some of my old friends from undergrad. Just being there with them made me realize how nice it felt to actually be myself and say the outlandish things I've been holding in for months. It was so freeing. And it got me thinking ... even here in Southern California, my closest relationship is with this one friend with whom I never feel the need to sensor myself! With her, I can be the bitchy person that God intended for me to be.
Don't get me wrong ... I can be nice. But it's a different kind of nice. It's a sarcastic, monotone, not-so-quietly judging you kind of nice. But... I have real friends who love that about me ... and I love that about me because I'm happiest when I'm that way. When I'm not trying too hard ...
I'm not sure what the point of this post is ... but I think it's something like "be yourself ... even if that self is a bitch ... because thats cool too ... and you're still cool ... and you're not responsible for anyone else's happiness or comfort. do you, boo."