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Monday, February 8, 2016

A Bumpy 2016

It's been a while since I've blogged and so much has happened that I don't think it would be possible to recap on everything.  So I guess I'll just start this off with 2016 ... this has been the bumpiest start to the new year that I've had.  Of course there's law school and the pressures of thinking about life after law school but all of that was expected.  What I didn't expect was to experience the suicide of a long time friend, the first week of the new year.  After that, anything else just seems so minor.  Without really getting into it, this has been the most emotionally confusing narrative I've ever experienced.  I mean, I knew enough about suicide beforehand to understand that "survivors" often experience a range of emotions -- but to actually go through it is so surreal.

For me, there has been no anger really ... just sadness which feels misplaced.  I find myself feeling more sadness thinking about how he felt in his final moments than I do knowing I will never, ever actually see him again.  I've questioned so many things.  Mainly I question my own energy.  I mean I know that there's likely nothing any of us could have said to change his mind but still I wish I'd reached out to him more.  I wish I'd given less of my energy to other things and other people who didn't deserve it -- and spent more energy on making sure all of my friends were okay-- like really okay.  Which is weird because I think this is the opposite of how you're "supposed" to feel ... I always thought you were supposed to feel more inclined to be a friend to all kinds of people and be positive (and I do still want to be a positive person) but mostly I feel like I've wasted time on the wrong people.  I also feel the urge to talk about him and tell people the funny stories we had -- but it's one of those things where I'm sure no one would find them funny since they weren't there, no one in California actually knows him so they wouldn't care, and people tend to get weird when you talk about the dead so that won't work either.  And even if I had someone here to share it with, I'm not sure that I'd be able to tell those stories out loud without crying. I haven't really tried .. but it just seems like it might be overwhelming anyway.

There's really not much of a point to this blog post.  Only to say that in 2016, I'm going to be a better and more appreciative friend to the real ones who have been there with me since day 1.  I'm going to channel my energy into trying to make sure that all my friends 'win' ... And I really really hope that I'll see him on the other side someday.